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Ask An Outsider: My boyfriend and I’ve completely different path goals. How can we discover frequent floor?

Welcome to Ask an Outsider. We’re right here to reply your most urgent questions on having fun with time outdoors, like the way to make outdoorsy buddies, recommendations on going No. 2 within the woods or the way to reconcile a distinct threat tolerance with a associate. Our recommendation givers are consultants from each inside and outdoors the co-op who draw from their very own expertise and information to assist inform yours.

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Ship it to Embody your identify and the yr you turned an REI Co-op Member. Letters could also be edited.

Expensive Outsider, 

My associate and I ceaselessly go on day hikes collectively as a result of we share a love for the outside. However we’ve very completely different priorities on the path, and it has led to uncomfortable moments.  

I’m a “stop-and-take-a-picture-of-the-pretty-views-every-two-minutes” type of hiker. I like to soak within the magnificence at my very own tempo, and it’s what helps me unwind from stress. Whereas it feels good to get sweat, I really like the scenic snack and nap breaks much more. I don’t care how sluggish I’m going so long as I make it again to the automobile safely earlier than nightfall. 

My boyfriend doesn’t hike for a similar causes. His mission is to get exercise, usually competing with himself to attain a private report. He goes too quick for me. I’m going too sluggish for him. So, we conflict. He lets me realize it along with his physique language and feedback about my tempo. He rapidly turns into bored whereas ready for me to catch up. I rapidly change into embarrassed and exhausted attempting to reconnect with him.  

What ought to we do after we’re mountaineering at completely different speeds? We get pleasure from experiencing the vacation spot collectively. We simply wish to make the journey extra enjoyable. 

Taylor, REI Co-op Member since 2014

Expensive Taylor, 

It is a query I’ve heard members of the 52 Hike Problem ask many occasions. Once we are in a relationship with somebody, it’s pure to wish to spend time collectively—together with outdoors. However conflicts could come up as a result of variations in every individual’s pace and priorities. For me personally, addressing this boils all the way down to communication and compromise, all whereas making it enjoyable. 

In my final relationship, my associate loved operating the paths and I loved mountaineering them. We got here up with a win-win resolution: Forward of time, we’d agree on a time to satisfy again on the automobile and the whole time for train that day. Usually, we’d stroll collectively for the primary 10 to fifteen minutes to attach. Then he would run for one hour; I might hike for half-hour and switch round. Usually, he ran previous me as I used to be getting near the automobile. With this compromise, we each had our wants met.  

Different occasions, we hiked and ran collectively. He adjusted his pace to extra carefully match mine, and I attempted to maintain up along with his tempo. On our longer day hikes, we agreed to hike collectively, despite the fact that I knew he might out-hike me any day. 

Nevertheless it’s essential to do not forget that there are various methods to deal with this case. To grasp how others would method it, I polled the 52 Hike group. Their solutions had been considerably combined: 18% instructed mountaineering individually out of your associate and assembly midway, 39% opted for mountaineering with individuals who share the identical objectives, 25% beneficial matching the pace of your associate and 14% voted for another end result. 

Personally, I actually just like the responses suggesting that you just and your associate work to compromise. For instance, Bianca C., 29, of Level Nice, New Jersey, proposes that you just alternate between your mountaineering types. “Some hikes are extra about pictures, whereas others are all about breaking information,” she says. That is additionally a good time for each of you to work on endurance and understanding, which might deepen your relationship. 

Paige W., 28, of Ooltewah, Tennessee, shares: “My husband and I really like mountaineering collectively, however we’ve completely different paces. We compromise by figuring out what the opposite likes. My husband is affected person whereas I take images and [identify] vegetation on my cellphone. I attempt to take fewer footage and take them rapidly so we will preserve transferring.” Whenever you work as a workforce you may construct belief, which is large on the paths and in life. 

You may additionally compromise by deciding to hike by yourself and meet at a turnaround spot. Then you may hike down at your associate’s tempo (assuming downhill is less complicated for you than uphill). Tai Ok., 44, of Ontario, Canada, offerss but another choice: “Hike the route alone and take all of the images. Then hike once more at a sooner tempo …” 

I additionally spoke to holistic marriage and household counselor Rebecca Thompson Hitt, who shares her perspective: She advises that you just discover a time to debate what every of your underlying wants are. These are your true wants. For instance, possibly your true want is to attach together with your associate on the path, whereas your associate merely needs exercise.

After your dialogue, work out a method that may meet each of those wants. Hitt additionally suggests that you just strive alternative ways of compromising. Then come again collectively after attempting them out to debate how these options felt. Alter accordingly.  

When you’re unable to come back to an answer, you can also make different preparations and discover different methods to attach that higher go well with every of you. As an example, you possibly can have a picnic at a neighborhood park, watch the sundown on the seashore or stargaze collectively, amongst different issues. 

One other large element in all of that is belief, or feeling that you may exit to discover and hike and that your associate will probably be there ready to attach with you once you get again. It’s additionally essential to grasp that our life associate can’t fulfill all of our wants. Typically, we have to change our personal expectations and modify accordingly.

Above all, be curious as you discover what feels finest to each of you as you navigate the journey collectively. The cool factor right here is that, identical to on the path, there are various paths you may select, however all of them find yourself on the identical vacation spot. Perhaps you don’t hike collectively, however this expertise taught you to speak, compromise and, in the long run, achieve a stronger relationship.  

Isn’t that the top objective of our path to like anyway? 


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